In the same rut, time to post again. I think this occurs because at no other time in my life do I feel the need to release my thoughts through writing. Other times I can just talk it out or brush it off, and it doesn't bother me so much. But something... just something. Sometimes I need to write it down. Is that weird?

Well, I'm in my head again. Thats the problem. I can't stop thinking. Right now it seems to just be about everything. Hm. Not everything. Ok. Narrowing down. It's my life. It's how I feel about it. It's what I want to do about it. It's where I see it going and where I see it NOT going. Its all strange, isn't it?

Several things going against me. First, I haven't had my meds in over a week. As I get older, this affects me more. I become more manic with every dose I miss, even if it is just a single day. It used to take at least a week before I could feel its effects begin to wear off. So, keep in mind that anything tumbling out of this head right now is severely under-medicated.

Man do I get crazier and crazier.

Ok, another thing that set me off today. I need to stop looking in the newspaper on Sundays to see the engagement and wedding announcements. I need to stop looking daily at the birth announcements. It seems damn near everyone I went to high school (obviously a gross over-statement) is dating, engaged to be engaged, engaged, getting married, and popping out babies. Not particularly in that order. I still feel 12 years old. And apparently my train of though is constantly that of a 12 year old, because my blog entries have never strayed from this topic... me being alone. SHOCKER! Jessica feels bad about being the way she is and the fact that she works her ass off all the time, spends no time with friends, still plays NEOPETS FOR CRIPES SAKE, and has never been on a date. Oh, and add to that the fact that I live in a freaking pigsty because I apparently never learned how to properly clean a room. I can't find shit in here. Yuck.

Obviously I am unhappy with my spot in life. I have a crap job with crap hours. I want to move into a different apartment that would make things easier to clean. I want to have a sort of companionship that would make every day new and exciting and worth waking up for. And it doesn't need to all happen perfectly and right this second. I just want God to give me a hint of what I have to look forward to in life, because I certainly have no intentions of joining a nunnery. I want to become an adult in the real world with a husband and children and possibly a mortgage, all while maintaining a job that provides me enough income to live comfortably and artistically.

I know, I know. I ask for too much. It's the Christmas season! Aren't we in the mood for giving?

Fact of the matter is that I am now 22 years old and positively stuck where I am. And not happy about it. And I can picture where things can end up, and the train is stuck on the track. Ain't movin' until the second Tuesday of next week. Can someone give it a shove here, get it rolling?

Asking for too much again. See what I mean about my meds? I could ramble on and on. This is insane. I'm insane. Argh. I need to just drop out of my head and get lost somewhere else. I need to drop out of my apartment and get lost somewhere else. I wish that was possible... just go and get lost in the woods for a week and then come back. No expectations. No plans. Just my backpack, my tent, my sleeping bag, some matches, astronaut food, and the open trail. Next to a lake preferably. And then I would come back and everything would be ok again, and I would have a better job with better pay, and that little vacation I just took? Paid. My apartment would be clean. I'd pull the perfect little dress out of my closet that looks smoking hot on my trim and tone body, go on that perfect little date. Watch the sun set, snuggle in a blanket around the fire. Are my dreams too out of reach? I thought they were so down to earth and reachable. For fucks sake, all I want is a freaking sunset and a fire! I'm not asking for supper at the Eiffel Tower and sunset at the Taj Mahal!

Hm. No. Maybe it is just not what is planned for my life. And you know, I have managed to get by for nearly 8 months without giving it so much as a second thought. Looking back, the last time I posted anything in this vein was almost a year ago. So why now? Why should I care now? I should just get back onto my mind-numbing drugs and go on my merry way. Things are supposed to happen in their own time, right? _{Well, when the fuck is my time?} No. I mean, yes. Things are. I need to live life on life's terms, not mine. I need to stop trying to change it. Because it won't, and I will just continue to get frustrated.

Exactly why I need to write. To figure out shit like that.

I'm still pissed off though.