I have found myself thinking about things I never have before... marriage, children, etc. I see mothers come into the store everday with their children, and wish that I was a mom. I see couples come in all the time. I know so many people that are engaged or married that I am friends with and/or went to high school with. And I suppose I am at the age where I should be thinking about it... but I think I have missed a couple of steps! haha. I believe one must have at least dated someone before they even think about marriage! haha. I'm still hopelessly behind where I should be. I was thinking last night about how most of my graduating class should now be juniors in college... and how I had barely just made sophomore status credit wise when I dropped out. I'm a college drop out. I never really thought about it until last night. Because I had planned on going back this semester! I was just going to take a semester off and earn some money and then go back. But I don't see myself going back to school any time soon. I just don't have the means to do it. I barely make rent every month, and I'm not even buying food for my house! I eat at my parent's house! Which is why it is so totally wrong for me to even think about becoming a mother. I can't even take care of myself... theres no humanly way possible I could take care of another person. But like I said before, theres a couple of things I'm missing before I can even think about being someone's mother. Like... another person. haha.

I've always kind of thought that that was my calling though.. I really feel I'm not supposed to do much except be with children and be a fantastic mother and take care of people. I just don't see myself as a business woman or teacher or artist or anything. Sometimes I think I could really make this photography thing work.. but really, is it a career or just a hobby? I don't think I have the personality to make my own business work. I would need some serious help with it.

And then sometimes I just think this is all a reaction to being lonely... like it's an extreme solution to a small problem I have right now. Well, it's not exactly a small problem, but it should be temporary. I know it won't last forever. Things will change. I just wish it would all change sooner. I want to know where I am going now, and I want to stop feeling useless and as though I'm not fulfilling my purpose in life. And I'm not even sure what my purpose is damnit! It's so frustrating sometimes. But anyways, theres no way I could make that "solution" work.

When will things turn around for me? I wish I could see into the future and see where it all was going...