Have you ever wanted to put all your heart and soul into something and were unable to due to restrictions place upon you by others? I love this one thing so much it literally hurts... and it feels like everyday I am reminded how I am not good enough for it. I'm too fat, I'm too quiet, I'm not smart enough, I'm not witty enough, I'm not special enough, I don't have enough "experience"... I am not good enough for it. And I want to be so badly! I come home and work so hard on being a better person so I can fulfill these needs... and I have made great strides. But I don't know if it's that I am not doing as well as I thought, or if these people just don't want to give me a chance to prove myself.

I think I have changed. I think I have become a more responsible and sociable adult. But I hit these days where my bad luck comes into light and I just don't want to do anything but sit here are cry. I cried for 2 straight hours today. I can't think without tearing up. I am so unhappy I don't even want to listen to music... I want to sit in complete and utter silence, like I feel. I feel like nothing will make me feel better. And this morning, I had the feeling again of not wanting to live. That scares me... I don't like it. And I want to live, I really do. I don't want to end my life. It's just that I REALLY want to live. I want to experience everything there is to life, and I can't. I feel held back every day. My mind wants to move forward and I am unable to for some reason. Whether it be schooling, jobs, friends... I feel like I am going to nowhere. I am STUCK. Absolutely stuck. I don't know how to move.... where to move... how.

I wish things were so different for me. I wish people could understand me and help me. And I am constantly laying myself out there hoping someone will notice me and take advantage of everything I have and want to offer to them. And maybe, just maybe, offer something back.

I'm not a bad person. I really am not. I don't know why other people don't see that.