So it's been awhile. Having no internet access does that to a person.

Have been living on my very own now for 3 months. Had moved out of my parent's house in September, and lived with a couple friends a beautiful but flawed house. Went through hell and high water, weathered all, and essentially got kicked out in January because I was too calm and was getting in the way of some serious partying while we had 2 freeloaders taking over the living room and upstairs bedroom. Ex-girlfriend drama with one of the roommates resulted in several screaming matches between her and me. She didn't like the fact that I got to live with her boyfriend and she didn't. Huge mistake to begin with.

Lived with my parents and continued to go to school and work in a town 45 minutes away. I burned out quite quickly... I am still burning out. Dealing with incredible feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I have been working up to and sometimes over 30 hours a week. Which has led too... me dropping out of school. Pretty much. I have dropped all courses except choir and voice lessons. I don't plan on coming back next fall. I think I'm just going to work. I don't know. Thats a scary thought for me... almost completely cutting myself off from a social life if I don't go to school.

So I will move back to my hometown, but not with my parent's. I don't think I can handle that again... it was tough in January. Found out how many habits I have formed living on my own that don't coincide with my parents. haha. Especially with my own cat that seems to have an agression problem that I am constantly working on.

So now... here I am. Hurt and lonely. Everything seemed to be going so well, and I was very very hurt by people that I thought were my friends. When I disconnected from them, I realized how horribly alone I really have been in Austin. I look at all my friends I have listed on facebook and myspace and realize how I have had no comments since January or so, how I leave comments for other people and get nothing back, how many people I have numbers for and have called and asked to hang out and no one wants to or they are too busy. And then work. I am constantly stepped on. I share the same curse my mother has... I can't say no. I overwork myself, and get no credit for it. I'm getting paid nothing compared to what I'm worth. I can't wait to be done with it.

I hopefully will be going to camp this summer, though I haven't heard anything from anyone at the camping offices or from the camp itself. So I don't even know if they are hiring me back! I don't know why they wouldn't. I am terribly worried right now that they have completely skipped over me and that I won't be able to go back. And with the way things have been going for me, I wouldn't doubt that this is the case. I have tried to get a hold of someone and have recieved no calls or emails back. I feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth, that I am more invisible now than I ever was in high school. And I have no one other than my family to prove to me otherwise.

Gosh. The loneliness feels like it could kill.

Anyways. I haven't written in so long... I haven't had the ambition or the word power to write anything half-way intelligible in months. So. I don't know. Maybe I'll be able to keep up. I feel the need to write so often and never seem to have a computer around, or even a pen and paper.

-Jess