Wow has it been forever since I updated. I have been so busy. Working at camp, coming home, school... moving. I've moved! I am now living in a house with a couple of friends closer to school. Everything has been quite the experience.

Interesting summer for sure. I can't even begin to explain it all. Especially considering that the only reason I thought of writing in here at all is that I am once again depressed and wanted somewhere to vent real fast. And I can't do it on Livejournal or Myspace. People just don't understand. If the people I knew understood me, I would write there and wait for them to tell me something to help me. But they don't even care. I can write in my LJ all I want about feeling alone and everything, and no one will reply. No one will comment. Making that feeling of loneliness 20 times worse. So if I write where I know that noone will answer, I don't have to even think about being hurt by no answer.

It's strange how this feeling of depression sneaks up on me so fast. I was sitting here at the computer playing a game on neopets, and suddenly all I can think about is how I don't really have any friends to hang out with. How all weekend I've been hanging out with my brother and my new kitten. How I don't have anyone I can express these feelings too, making me all that much more pathetic.

I have no one to understand me. That's all. I mean... I frickin live with friends. It's not that I don't have friends. It's that they don't listen to me. They don't know me, and they don't know my situation. I don't have any friends like that, because I was such a loner in high school. And I can't even begin to explain anything. And besides, my new friends are far too selfish to even care. They all want me to solve their problems for them, and they forget about me.

I don't even know what makes me upset, what I want to talk about. All I know is that I just want to talk. I want to be comfortable and talk about anything.

Especially guys. The age old problem. I can't get over it, despite how much I want to. What is wrong with me? Why I am still... alone I guess. Whenever I see anybody now that I haven't seen in awhile, the first question is "So... do you have a boyfriend?" UGH. No. I don't. And I'm not happy about it either. Not only is this the first question, but then they proceed to tell me about all the people I graduated with that are now getting married. It's crazy. People I grew up with are now getting married, and I have never had a boyfriend. It's amazing really.

I thought maybe something would happen over the summer, but it didn't. In fact, the opposite happened. I was hoping something would happen with Brent, and instead he ended up hooking up with Bri, our service staff director. Fuckin-A. It's always like this. And hey, I know I shouldn't be so upset because I wasn't doing anything to make it a go in the first place. I knew for a fact that it wasn't going to happen! So why am I still upset? I don't know. I really don't know. But I just feel like I've been betrayed by another guy.

Sierra is due this week. John will be a father.

Anyways. Fuck. It's the same thing over and over again. I fall for a guy. Guy hardly knows I exist. I pull out all the stops and flirt like crazy. Guy thinks of me as a friend, hooks up with one of my other friends, and then I end up looking like an idiot. A depressed idiot. What do I need to change about myself to stop this from happening?

I just fear that I'll never catch up. Asperger's and Post-Traumatic Stress has really held me back from living a normal life. I am nowhere near where I am supposed to socially for my age. I am at least 2 to 3 years behind my age group. So everything is just starting for me. But it feels like it has been far too long. I want it to hurry up so I can start to be normal. I just want my problems to go away so I can pretend to be a regular person and live my life in such a way. Not have to constantly worry about silly things.

I have bigger things to worry about. Like getting a job. Paying rent. Being able to eat. Being able to feed my kitten (who is tiny, 3 months old.. just got him on Friday. His name is Artemis). Being domestic essentially. Being an adult. I am growing up. I have more responsibilities. But I still feel young. It's quite the dilemna.

Gosh it feels good to write again. I haven't had time to do it. And I have needed to write so bad. So bad. Just to get things out. It's my way of thinking. I get everything so stuck in my head that I need to either write or talk out loud in order to get everything out. It's like pulling every single thought out one strand at a time. It's a crazy mess inside my head and I need to get rid of the chaos and be able to think. It's like trudging through mud sometimes.

I don't even know how I am going to have enough time to have a job. I feel so busy as it is.

Gah. Life.