I am currently going through one of the most difficult experiences in my life. I am uncovering everything and trying to heal over my sexual assault in therapy.

I'm reading a book called The Courage to Heal... I really don't think I have the courage. I want to be able to get over this and bring it out into the open and everything... but it really hurts. I don't think I'm ready. But when will I be ready? I can't keep pushing it off. And from the one session I have had so far that was really all just about this, I already uncovered a lot of useful stuff. I have really really found how much it changed me and how I handled it. And now reading this book, I can see how I've already taken a natural progression towards healing.

But I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to acknowledge him.

My dad says that for too many years me and my mom have let Eric have too much power over us. And this really really bothered me for some reason. I didn't know how to respond to that. How am I not supposed to let him have power over me? He took something away from me. He effectively changed who I am, who I would become.

Oh, I feel I make no sense.

I can't even concentrate anymore, because this is all I think about. I can't do my homework tonight because my mother had an encounter with him this morning and I can't think of anything else. The bastard has a child. Or says he does. I dunno. Says he has a kid... 3 years old. Which means that he was a junior in high school when it was born. The fact that there is another little Eric out around is just killing me. And I have been trying to get ahold of Shaun all day to talk to her about it, but I can't get her. I have no clue what she's doing. Once again when I need her she is convienently gone. Fuck.

I've almost cried a lot. I have never cried over this. Ever. Not even right after it happened. But dragging it out into the light like this... gah. Like I said. It's too hard to do this. To deal with it.

I have made appointments for the next two months for once a week with my therapist. I canceled my appointment for this Thursday because I have another appointment at school I have to go to... but I dunno. I want to go this week. But I can't. I already canceled. Anyways. Gah.

I'm not strong enough to do this.