I'm floundering. Everything is stuck in my head and I can't get it out. The only person I feel really understands me is never there for me anymore. Everything feels like it is about that person now. I can't get away from fixing this person's problems or supporting them in whatever they're doing.

I cry more than I laugh.
I frown more than I smile.
I emotionally eat more than I am hungry for.
I spend far too much money.

I'm not in a good place and I didn't realize just how horrible it was until I stopped taking my mind-blurring medications so I could clear my head and get a grasp on what my life is like with taking any sort of medication. I have been on some sort of mental medication since the 4th grade. I don't know what life is like anymore with out them. I'm scared to death that I can't function either way.

I thought of death today. Thought of being dead, but not of killing myself. I simply just thought how much easier everything would be if I were not concious. I would not have to deal with all this.

The weight on my chest is so heavy. My shoulders drag to the floor. I can't pick myself up, and I don't know how to get through to anyone to help me. I don't know how to reach out. I don't know exactly what I need help with in the first place.

I need a change.

I'm going to fail 2 classes for my first semester of college. If I work my ass off tomorrow and possibly find someone to work for me tomorrow night, I might be able to pull myself out for one of those classes. One of them I will almost most definently fail. It's an english class. I didn't turn in one of my papers. I almost didn't graduate high school because of a fucking english class. I can't believe people tell me I should go in to writing as a career. It will always end like this... a failure.

I can't climb out of this grave I've dug for myself, and I'm growing tired. I just want to lie down in it and go to sleep...