How does one stop a train wreck when one is on the train?

I feel like I am amidst a disaster and even though I am the one it is happening to, I can't do anything.

I just don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do... I just don't know. DON'T KNOW.

I need a compass... point me in the right direction.

Will I always be stuck at Cash Wise? Will my major ever take me anywhere? Am I wasting my money, or should I listen to the praise my voice teacher is giving me? Or does she say that to all her students? Sonia... which is it? Fact or fiction?

Should I be doing something else? What else should I be doing? What else COULD I be doing? Would else would be better than I am doing?

I fear being stuck, and I fear being alone. I fear not being able to stop myself from a;l my little vices. I fear that nothing will ever get better for myself.

The only person I can talk to that I really feel knows what I'm talking about at all is Shaun. Half the time I feel like Shaun isn't listening to me because she's too concerned with her problems with men. When she talks about her problems with men, I want to be a supportive best friend, but at the same time I become very depressed because alas, 19 years year and no man. Nothing. Nada. I'm defective. I will always feel defective. What is wrong with me? Why does it just not work?

I have an addiction. A serious one. And a totally taboo subject. A horrible addiction. I'm addiced to masturbating. How horrible is that? I don't know why I do it. I can't go to sleep most of the time unless I don't do it. I have yet to progress to bringing a vibrator with me to public places and using it in a restroom or something, but don't think I haven't thought about it. I'm inches away from doing it. Its like its the only time I feel good, where my mind is completely elsewhere. And I can judge when things are getting really really bad with my depression when I can't even masturbate anymore. That when things are horrible. Because its then that I can't feel. I am dead... nothing inside. Can't process, can't think, can't feel. I'm lost. Lost all the time and I have no where to go.

I can't deal with this and deal with my outside world at the same time. I can't deal with my mind and body at the same time. I need to take a vacation. I need to get away from responsibilities and figure myself out. I don't know how to ask for this. What exactly am I asking for anyways? What do I need to unwind this tangled web?

Incarcerated. Lost. Alone. Unhappy. Me.