I feel so utterly and completely fat. Sometimes it's no big deal, sometimes I don't notice at all. And other times I am uncomfortable and feel noticeable and gross. I can't stop eating... I can't stop BINGE eating. I don't eat on a regular schedule anymore. I don't have the time. I rarely eat breakfast, or if I do it's not until 11 in the morning. And if it's not something I've gone out and picked up or something I've brought with, it's a slice of pizza and a cup of hot chocolate from the cafeteria at the college. I don't eat lunch until 4 in the afternoon. I eat supper when I get the chance (after 10pm usually), or when the rest of my family does. Gah. I don't even know why I'm going over this. It doesn't matter. When I do eat, I eat too much. Way too much.

I'm looking around my room and I have so many wrappers sitting around my desk that I just haven't cleaned up. Cans of diet pepsi, candy corn, a couple of Almond Joys, pretzels and more pretzels, chips, lunchables. Cereal boxes even!! It's not healthy. And I try to pretend its not here. I try to not come in here all that often because then I have to remind myself of my nasty habits.

I'm so tired of being the fat kid. I'm so tired of feeling ugly. And I don't even feel fat most the time! Just downright gruesome to the eye, thats all. I do everything thin people do. I am not like other fat people. I can walk around and not get tired. I don't have problems with my ankles or knees or anything. I am very flexible. I can workout like a thin person does most the time. I can't do pushups... but that doesn't suprise me. Can anyone with a 46DD chest do pushups? It's fucking hard!! I sweat a lot. I dunno.

I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. At all. I have half a mind to erase everything I have just written.

Just being myself is killing me. I can't handle this anymore. This body. This face. This hair. These eyes, these ears, these limbs. This personality. This mind. This... whatever the hell it is. Whoever the hell I am. I DON'T LIKE IT. I don't like any of it. I don't like myself. I wish myself to go away and never come back.

Why do I stick around anyways? Whats so fucking special about what I have here?

I've gone mad. I just... can't think. Can't breathe. Can't explain. Can't speak.

I want to be someone people love and appreciate. I want to be someone I love and appreciate. What will it take to get there?

PS- Didn't go to Chicago. What a fucking joke that was...