I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just... am sick of dealing. tired of it. Tired of everything. Constantly tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I'm so busy, hardly have time for anything. Hardly have time to take a shower. Everything is so crazy.

I want to go places, leave for a time. But alas! No money. At all. Despite how much I work. Everything is going twoards school and gas and my stomache. My parents pay for nothing anymore and bitch me out for not having paid them much for tuition or insurance. I buy supper for myself (and lunch) 5 times a week, if not more. How can I afford anything? How can I afford to go to Chicago this weekend? Where is nothing is sure.

I've called Shaun every night for the past 2 weeks to remind her that we need to book the hotel room for Chicago, for which I leave to go to tomorrow. It is Thursday night, and no hotel room. And I can't do anything about it because I don't have a credit card. I can't book it. And Shaun is up in the cities, sitting at a goddamn casino with her mom. She says "oh... its no big deal. We'll find something. I'll book it tomorrow when I get home before we leave." IT IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. BIG! Why the fuck must you be even less responsible than I am Shaun? WHY!? Why do I have to be the one who takes care of everything in this fucking relationship. I always have to fucking take care of you, and I can hardly take care of myself. Maybe it'll be good for me when your gone. Maybe I shouldn't be so sad that you are moving. True, you are my only friend. True, you are the only person I do anything with. True, we do have a good time together. But true, you make me feel like shit for not having guys. And true, I always have to take care of your broken heart because you push guys away and once they're gone you want them back and can't get them. And true, you are a terrible influence on me. I would have never gotten a ticket if you weren't there. I would have never had a desire to start smoking. I would have never spent over $75 on airtime (minutes) for my phone in the past month. I wouldn't have changed at all. I'd still be the same person.

So is that good or bad?

FUCK I AM JUST SICK OF EVERYTHING! And people do not understand. I can't explain. I am completely and utterly alone. And yet, I can't seem to get away.

I just want to go away and not come back. Go somewhere to be happy. Go somewhere that I AM happy.

Happiness. What the fuck is it anyways and why do I always seem to want it? I don't. I just want to be... different than I am now. And I don't even know if the opposite of... this is happiness. Who knows what the fuck I need.

WHAT DO I NEED? What do I need? What?

I can't figure it out.