It's amazing how much people have said I have changed since starting college. And I have to admit, I think I have too. I'm like a completely different person. I'm much more outgoing, much much more straight-forward and blunt (was that even possible?), I'm rebellious, I'm trying new things... or at least WANT to try new things and don't have the ability too. And things that aren't good for me either. Cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol. Things that everyone else seems to have done already. And its not that I want to do them because everyone else has done them. I want to do them because I want to try something new.

The only person I would be able to get these things from is Shaun. She refuses to give me a cigarette. She was going to let me try a wine cooler (not really a hardcore alcoholic drink, but with alcohol all the same)... and I backed out. She hasn't said for sure yet wether she'll let me try weed or not. It seemed like she would the other night, but she said she wouldn't let me if I was going to be going home that next morning right away because my parents would know for sure. eh. She's protecting me... watching out for me. She's the bad influence that makes me want to do these things, but she is also the good influence for me to not do them.

I'm extremely jealous of her. Of her relationships with men. They're not neccesarily the best relationships a person could have.... but she's doing the things I want to be doing... or at least want to know about... with these guys. And tonight she might be having sex for the first time. Its so strange, talking about it with her. She's not sure, yet she's so gung-ho to just do it and get it over with. And here I am, talking to her, wishing that it was ME in the situation. That it was ME trying to decide if I should lose my virginity or not. And though it shouldn't be such a big deal to me, for some reason it is.

I feel so... alone. I want a relationship damnit! How many times do I have to say it? And yet I do nothing about it. I have options... I have a guy who has a hardcore crush on me... yet, I don't like him. And that makes me feel bad. Like.. I don't exactly understand why I don't like him. I just don't. And thats acceptable, right? It's ok to not be attracted to someone that is attracted to you? Its so strange. I never really had someone like me like that before (that I know of).

And today I went back to the constant worry in my mind of "what if I become so desperate that I just settle?" Its a strange fear. Most people would not have that.

I fear I am extremely abnormal. Never been on a date, never been kissed, never drank alcohol, never partied, never done drugs. Hell... I didn't even get my first ticket until last week. And thats an interesting story. And I didn't get it for speeding either.

I got stuck in the mud. In a construction zone. On a closed road. I went around a barricade and was acting all weird with Shaun and it all went farther than it should have, and I got stuck in some really deep mud. While I was in my renaissance garb. We were coming back from the festival. And holy hell, this ticket will be over $400. I have to go to the courthouse today to find out what it is, and I have to pay it by the 17th. I am so worried I will run out of money sooner than I thought for school. Thats the only way I can pay for the ticket, is to take it out of my school fund. My parents aren't going to help pay, which they shouldn't. It was my fault. Shaun has offered to help pay for a little bit of it since she was there and it partly had to do with her too.

Not to mention the $100 towing fee that we had to pay in cash right on the spot. We didn't have the whole $100, but the guy let us off paying only $68. Which is still quite a bit. And its ridiculous that I even had to get towed at all. I shouldn't have been in that situation. haha. It's so... ugh. Its funny, but it pisses me off.

I have pictures. I'll post them some time.

Oh yea, and I never told my parents I got towed. They only know that I went around a barricade.

I've become a bad daughter. Hiding things from my parents frequently.

I want to stop being me for a while... stop this existence and come back to it at a later date. I just don't feel like dealing with everything right now. I especially don't feel like dealing with all my emotions. Theres far too many, and they're all so depressing.

Time to go back to class... to this mundane existence.