I went to a club for the first time last night. It was certainly interesting.
I had fun for the first hour and a half. Then came the perverts. Fat girls tend to attract the perverts.

The first one, whom we nicknamed ButtFugly (or ButtFucker if you feel like being crude), was horrible. Came up right behind Shaun. She couldn't even see his face. Started dancing with her, figured it was pretty normal. Except for the fact that for a rating on the Shaun and Jessica scale of 1 to 10, this guy ranked MAYBE a 1. One is pushing it. He's lucky to get that. His actions brought him down even further. After she got him off of her, he started dancing with me. He had a pair of sliding hands, and he nearly knocked me over with how hard he was hitting me from behind. I was thouroughly disgusted at that point. Bathroom run number one, to escape the horror. This guy followed us around for the rest of the evening, and didn't leave until about 1:30. We had to watch our asses closely.

Guy Number Two, whom we nicknamed Speedy Gonzales. A bit of a racist name considering he recieves this name because he was Hispanic. And the fact that he was slamming into us at warp speed. Alternating between Shaun and me, he danced backwards and had a thing for trying to knock us on the ground as well with his mach speed ass slams. He was not as creepy because he was dancing as close or as pervetedly, but he did follow us around for the night as well.

Guy Number Three. Happy Hands. This guy was specifically for me. And caused me to have an anxiety attack.

Now let me just say, I am a bitch. I am a total tease and I know it, and what happened was totally because of myself. It went to far and got out of hand and I didn't know what to do. Luckily Shaun was there to save me.

So. Happy Hands. Followed me around for the whole evening, and followed me from closely behind. Shaun gave him a rating of a 1. Not good. At this point, the adrenaline was rushing and I was into the dancing, which is rare for me. I didn't want to break my concentration. I was dancing. Suddenly I feel this guy push up against me and wrap his arms around me. And I didn't do anything. Again. Like so many years before. I freaked out at first and waited for the rating. She gave me the rating, and I still didn't leave. At that point I just really really wanted to dance with a guy. Well, this one was ready and willing. He was already hard by the time he was against me. And I pushed it even further. The first time I danced with him, I just did a lot of ass grinding. Then his hands started moving over my shirt and such. At one point I discovered his hands on my boobs, but I didn't notice because the bra I was wearing was so thick I couldn't feel them. This freaked me out severely. Bathroom run number two.

Then I was back out on the dance floor and getting into it again, and then he came back. I still hadn't seen his face. He was back and we were grinding again, and he kept moving his hands over me, and he ran them up and down my arms. Even though I was slightly creeped out, it felt extremely good. And I'm not going to lie, I was umm... aroused. He was too, as I discovered again when he grabbed my hand and put it over his dick. And I played into it. I shouldn't have. I am so pissed off at myself right now for having done that. And I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I was just so... scared I guess. At the time I didn't really know what I was feeling, but in reflection I now know that that was it.

Bathroom run number three. I came back out and danced for a while again. He came back. Shaun knew I was getting really worried, so she was watching. And Jill was watching out for me too at that point, and it takes a lot for Jill to catch on. Well... he came back. And he was really really into it this time. And the cocktease that I am, I made it worse. I let his hands roam. He put them under my shirt and was touching my skin, and it felt wonderful. I've never had anyone touch me like that before. He was rubbing my sides, and it was sooo good. He'd occasionally grab my ass, and he was nuzzling my neck. Shaun saw and with our little special ESP thing (haha) she silently asked if I wanted her to get him away. I said no. Jill looked at me too like she was asking me if I was sure. I was positive, I wanted to mess with this guy's head. I wanted to be a complete and total bitch.

He grabbed my hand again and had me touch his dick through his pants again. And I did it. I was into it. I was hot. Oh my god. I can't even explain. I mean, I had no clue what this guy looked like. I hadn't even seen his face yet. And I was just imagining/fantasizing about all the guys that I have ever wanted to do that with. When he touched my arms, it was Michael touching my arms. When he grabbed my ass, it was John grabbing my ass. When he was nuzzling my neck, it was Brent nuzzling my neck. It was not some creepy guy that I did not know. It was someone that I cared very deeply for.

But then it went too far. He pulled away for a second, and then came back and pushed himself against me and wrapped his arms around me very tightly. I am pretty damn sure he unzipped his pants. I freaked out. I snapped out of it. I was no longer into it. I looked at Shaun and she saw I was freaking out and she pulled me away a little. He zipped his pants back up when she did. She turned me around then, and I saw his face. But only for a split second did I see this guys actual face, because once he flashed his smile at me, I no longer saw this creep. It was Eric's head on this guys body. It was Eric. I saw Eric. And I freaked out. I ran...

Bathroom run number four. And this time I was crying. I hid. I didn't know if I could go back out there. It was 1:30am, and the club closed at 2am. I knew we would be staying there for the whole thing. I eventually went back out there, and I couldn't find Shaun or Jill. I was clutching myself tight and I was just... very scared. I couldn't handle it anymore. Full-blown anxiety attack.

Once I found Shaun she saw I was visibly shaken and she asked if everything was alright. I told her I was having an anxiety attack, and she became very worried. She found Jill, and they huddled around me kind of to keep me safe. Anytime someone touched me or bumped into me I freaked. My shoulders were up to my ears. Happy Hands came back, and Shaun told him no and pushed him away, and that was that. It was as simple as that. All I had to do was tell him no and tell him to go away, and I couldn't do it. I am so fucking stupid.

Once out of there and in the car, I was very quiet. Jill didn't quite understand what was going on. I don't think Shaun fully understood what happened either. They couldn't see all that went on. They certainly didn't know that I had touched this guy.

It took us a little over an hour to get back home (the club was up in the cities), and once there we went out for breakfast. I felt a little better by that time. We dropped Jill off at home at about 4:30am, and drove over to my place to drop me off. I told Shaun. And I had told her that the reason I freaked out so bad was because I had seen Eric's face.

I wonder if I will ever be able to do anything with a guy without seeing Eric's face. He's going to haunt me until the day I die.

I didn't get to sleep until 6:30am. I slept in until 4:00. Worked at 5:00. I've been home all night. Shaun and me talked about going to another club, but nothing is open tonight that is 18+. Probably for the best. I just want to try it again and maybe have a GOOD experience, and not have this bad one follow me around forever and force me to never go out clubbing again.

I did have fun before the guys. I was having a fantabulous time. I had never been able to dance like that before!! The dancing was amazing! 3 1/2 hours of intense dancing. My hips hurt so bad today that I can hardly move them.

But there are some real perverts in the world, and I make things worse and don't know how to handle them. I just don't have enough street-smarts to be the cocktease that I am so good at being.

I was playing with fire and got burned...