Last night all I could think about before I went to sleep was Eric, and what he did to me all those years ago. It's been almost 6 years now. I still remember. I can see it sometimes, picture it in my mind. What happened to me? What made me sit there and take it? And years later, why do I still think about it? Was it really all that awful of a thing to happen to me? It could have been much much worse. He could have gone much further and actually raped me. But either way... how exactly has it affected me in my life except given me a reason to tell people for why I don't believe in a "good and merciful God"? Did it change who I am or who I will become? Did it really make a difference. I don't think it affected me as much as I sometimes pretend it did. I sometimes wonder if the reason I haven't let it go from my mind is because with it there, I can make myself the victim. I have a reason to recieve sympathy if I so desire it. Because of this, I feel like a horrible horrible person.

My lines between right and wrwong have been blurring lately. Who set these rules, these moral standards? I don't believe in God, so "he's" not it. Who and how was it decided that one thing would be "right", and one thing would be "wrong"? Why is marijuana bad? Why is sex such a big deal? Why are some four letter words the absolute worst things you can say in the English language? Is there really anything wrong with them, and if there is, why? Why is it this way? Where can I go to find the answer to this question? I don't think anyone will ever have a clue. I think it will remain one of the great mysteries of the world. Why we are the way we are.

Shaun left grand ol' Owatonna on Tuesday to go across the country to LA with her guy "friend" Gabrielle, a complete and total scumbag. I'm worried to bits about her. Before she left, and since I got back from camp, we have gotten really really close. We've always had the ability to talk to eachother really well. Have real soul-searching discussions about life and guys and sex and everything. Its the other actions involved when we're not with eachother is what irks us off about eachother. Besides our conversations and our streaks of badness, we're very different people. She's very much the extrovert, I'm very much the introvert. I like to stay home and blog and write in my paper journal and listen to music, and she likes to go clubbing. Anyways. So, she's with Scumbag by herself, across the country in a place she's never been before, one car, one cell phone, a hotel room with ONE bed, and one very active sex drive. I'm scared she'll have sex with this guy and regret it. She's still a virgin and hasn't done it yet, but she's done other things with him and at any given second it could go so much further. She wants to have sex just as badly as I do. And let me tell you, Scumbag is FINE. He's hot. But he's an asshole to her most of the time, secretive, and he lies to her a lot. Thus... Scumbag with a nice ass. I hate him. Grrr. I've been talking to her every day she's been out there and checking up on her and making sure she's ok. I'm like a worried mother... its kind of getting embarrasing for me! haha. But I think she likes knowing that I miss her terribly and that someone is waiting for her back her, and she is able to have someone to vent her frustrations to when Scumbag continues to be a jerk everyday. We text message eachother all day long while I'm in Austin for classes, and then I call her and talk to her on my way home from school. It's nice. Oh, I can't wait for her to come back. I think I'll stop being such a freaking worrywart once she's back safely in Owatonna, and away from him. That would make me feel so much better.

Oh... so yea, classes! I got signed up for them last week, and classes started this past Monday. So I've completed one week of classes. And they're wonderful. I'm very bored in my music classes because we're learning very basic stuff right now... but eventually it will get tougher and I'll be complaining about not being able to keep up. Who knows.

I finally made the desicion for my major to be Music, but I have also decided that I will get my AFA in music, and stay in Riverland for another two years and get another transfer degree in Journalism, and then I'll transfer to MSU. So I'll be in school for a total of 6 years, if everything goes according to plan. It's a long time... but I am very excited for it now. Knowing that I don't just have to chose one or the other, that I can have both. It's nice. Now, one problem is money. This is going to take quite a bit. But I think I will save all the money I will make from counseling and put that into tuition. I think the whole summer of work would pay for about one semester of college, but we'll figure a way around it I think. My parents are being very helpful right now for paying. I've paid for my books, my gas that I have to get every other day because it's a 45 minute drive to the campus, and I wrote a $500 check to my mom today to help pay for the two classes I added today. I have to give them more money eventually, but they're not pushing me right now.

I will hopefully be getting more money as well. I'll be getting more hours, because I have now transfered over to the Bakery department at Cash-Wise, and I'll be learning how to close. So I'll be working about 5 hours a night for 3 nights a week, and then every other weekend. Not too shabby. I think it will equal out to be more hours than I tend to get in front end. At least for the school year. Then I'll be at Star Lake for the summer, so it won't which section of the store I work in.

Oh, so many things to worry about in life. College, money, friends, the past. It gets kind of silly sometimes, doesn't it?