Last night I had a strange dream that is still bothering me kind of. Well... about one situation in particular, the rest of it doesn't really matter. But yea.

In my dream, I lost my virginity. But the entire time it was happening, in my head all I could keep thinking was this is wrong, this is not how I wanted it to happen, this is not who I want to do it with, I wanted it to stop... but I didn't stop it because I wanted to know what it felt like so badly, and it felt good. Kind of. The guy really sucked and only cared about himself, but off topic and unrelated. haha.

All I can think about this morning is the way I felt during that part of the dream. Why would I let it happen? What if I let that happen in real life? I do long to be touched and to find out these things so much that now I'm worried that one of these days I might settle and just find someone who is willing so that I can finally satisfy my curiosity. It won't be what I've always wanted it to be. Which is a risk anyways, no matter who I do it with... but I would rather be in love with the person I lose my virginity to rather than someone I actually loathe (which the person in my dream was) just so I can find out.

I'm not making any sense. haha.

In my dream I got in trouble for it too. Everything I did suddenly became very very restricted and I couldn't go anywhere by myself, and all I could ever do was think about the next time I could have sex and trying to figure out ways to sneak off and find John to do it again, although the one time I managed he told me no and said it was gross and disgusting and that he would never do it again.

I have major self-esteem issues even in my dreams. bwahaha.

I wonder if lately in my sub-concious I have started to feel exposed. I don't know why I would feel that way... but in all my dreams lately, some part of me has been naked and large groups of people are around me. But heres the thing... none of them seem to notice that I'm naked. So here's huge DD breasts hanging out and I'm trying my best to cover them and the rest of my stomache so as not to draw attention to myself, and no one cares anyways. it's strange.

I have been increasingly concerned lately with the idea that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. What if I don't find a guy for me? What if I never get married, never have kids, and die a spinster? That is definitely the opposite of everything I have ever wanted. I feel so defective knowing that I have never been on a date, never been out, never been held, never been cuddled, blah blah blah. Dating is overrated, I know I know... people tell me that all the time. But really... to experience it for myself instead of hearing it from all these other people would be the greatest thing in my life.

I am not normal in any sense, and with each passing day that goes by and with each year that I get older, I feel even more defective because I haven't experienced the things everyone else my age has.

It's the same old thing, always. I never feel any different about myself or the situations I have to deal with. I wish one of these days they could just change...

EDIT: Damn. I totally did not make things any better by writing this, getting offline, putting on some Coldplay, and reading a romance novel. grrrr... am I just a horny 18 year old girl, or is there something more to this? What is it that I actually want that is making me feel so utterly stupid right now for having read that book? Is it the pleasure of sex, or is it the pleasure and closeness of a relationship?