I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being the girl who has never had a date, who has never been touched, who has never held, who has never been kissed. I'm tired of watching all my friends go out on dates and be happy and with someone. I'm tired of people telling me that really, dating is overrated. Because I want to find out on my own. I want to have a relationship with someone. I want to feel super close with one person. I want to feel a connection. I want to have fun. I want to be a different person. I want to be a better person when I am with them.

I don't understand what makes me so different from other people. I don't understand what makes it so that I am undesirable to men. I don't get what puts them off. Is it that am I fat? Is it that I am depressed? Not confident in myself? Do I exude my emotions so much that it forces other people to stay away from me?

I have horrible thoughts that often run through my head. When I find out that a person who is just... I don't know how to say it. Worse than I am, I guess. Annoying, loud, pushy, bitchy, dirty, gross.... people who have it worse off than I do. And these people are dating someone.... it makes me feel like I really really have something wrong with me. And I do, if I am judging them like I am. It's unfair to them, and I suppose it serves me right to not be in a relationship.

I'm just jealous. I've always been jealous of other people, of what they have. Because I've always wanted something different. Just for one day if I could be someone totally different, someone totally fabulous. Someone beautiful. Someone nice. Someone smart. Someone funny. Someone well liked. Someone that is not me.

I just want to know so badly what makes me different. Why I am not like other people. What makes me so fucking special? Why can't someone just tell me straight out? Just tell me!!! Tell me what to change so I can change it!! Obviously being just me is not good enough. It will never been good enough for anybody, especially myself. Especially men.

I want to have someone here to wipe away my tears for me...