Some days I feel fine.
Some days I don't.
Some days I feel that the world is out to get me.
Some days I feel that I serve no purpose other than an experiment God created to see how the world reacts.
Some days I don't.

Some days everything seems to float by and spin around fastly, and I stand still.
Some days everything seems to be in slow motion. Painful slow motion.
Some days just exist.

I walk around, pretending to be an actual person,
but I feel inside that I am not.
I feel inside that I don't belong here among these people.
I don't belong in this building.
No one cares.
No one hears.
Inside I'm yelling for them to hear me.
Outside it comes out of my mouth as an almost inaudible whisper.
I know I speak too softly.
Yet I hear it so loudly in my head I feel that I am screaming at them.
The world is too loud.

Nothing helps.
No words.
No medications.
No silence.
No sound.
Nothing.
I'm comforted by sleep.
By not being conscious.
By not being awake.
When I'm not awake, I don't have to actually deal with people.
It's all a dream.
And in a dream, I can do whatever, whenever.
Make a fool of myself.
Say stupid things.
Say smart things.
Jibber Jabber.
Fly around in my underwear with a cape on.
Makes no difference, because it's not real.
No one will remember.
And I won't remember either.
It'll be gone.
But I remember a lot of stuff when it actually happens.
And I never seem to get over it.
I hang on to stuff.
And I need to get rid of it all.
But I have no where to unload.
And if I did, I'm unsure of what I would say.

So what if one day people actually stopped ignoring me?
What would I do?
Would I actually be happier than I am now?
What if I wasn't?
What if it made no difference and was a wasted effort?

Alfie.
The movie.
In the end... when Jude Law says "What's it all about?"
That image sticks with me.
And those words follow me every day since I saw that movie.

"What's it all about?"