I feel lost in my own life. I don’t know where I’m going anymore. And I used to be so sure, and it’s all gone now.

People are seem to be really surprised when they ask me what I’m going to be doing after high school, and I say I used to know but I don’t anymore, and that I’m not sure of where I’m going yet for a school. They seem really shocked at the notion that I seem to have just “forgotten” where I was going and what I wanted to do.

I will settle with something. I will further my education. But I want it to be what I want it to be, and it’s looking like it’s not going to be that way right now. Nowhere even near. I always have my expectations too high, and I really hit the fan with this one.

I start crying now anytime I realize that I am going to have to go to MSU or Riverland. I don’t know where else I could go. I suppose Winona, but I don’t like how their choral program looks. Well… hell. I don’t like how any choral program looks compared to the one at St. Olaf, but I can tell you I’ll never get into that one. I just don’t have the GPA or the talent.

This was not where I wanted to be heading in my life. I had everything planned out knew how it was all going to work. And then this happened. And now I’m just… lost. A floating soul, if you will. Nowhere to go with it, yet so much I want to do.

I know theres good things inside of me that could just be amazing, but I don’t know how to get them and show them to people.

People are telling me it’s going to be ok and that I still have other places to go and everything and that I’m just overreacting. But I dunno… I don’t know to explain to them how important everything was to me. How much I wanted to get into a private school with a small student body and great choral programs and fun activities. A place where I’ll actually get to know my profesor as opposed to a place where I’ll be sitting in a lecture hall with 1000 other kids.

It is a big deal to me. I don’t know how to explain it other than that.

I don’t even have my head cleared enough right now to write a decent entry. I’m bawling and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. And it’s absolutely dreadful. But I feel so sad. And like a heavy weight is pushing on chest. Everything I’ve wanted since I was a little girl is even further out of my reach now than it was before.