I am making a new mix of music that is all choral music that is in a minor key. It has such a dark rich tone to it. It's hard finding just the right things to add to this mix cd, but when I do find something... I'm just captivated. I just sit and stare at my monitor. It makes me contemplate everything for some reason. I think it's because whenever a person in a movie is in a serious moment and is reflecting on everything that has happened and everything, usually a song that is in a minor key comes on in the background. Ok.. probably not the only reason, but thats a good explanation. :)

I love choral music a lot. When it's done well. It's so... I don't know how to describe it. Like... what I'm listening to now (Vienna Boys Choir singing "Agnus Dei Requiem"). I'm listening to it... and I just feel so warm and safe and just... like that void I have been trying to fill for years is finally filled. That is why I have always wanted to be a choir director. So I can constantly be surrounded by that feeling. I've noticed that most days the only time I feel truly happy is when I'm singing, playing violin, or listening to music. All my worries are gone, and all I can think about is the beautiful pictures these notes are painting. The stories the composers are trying to tell through crescendos and decresendos... I can see it all. It's my own little mini movie and soundtrack.

I've thought about becoming a performer. Professionally singing in a choir or something. But it's a rough world out there, and I'm not aggressive enough. Other people will push me out of the way to get to the same place that I want to be, and I know I won't do anything about. I'll sit on my ass day after day and wait for the right opportunity to come along without really doing anything.

I want to do something that makes me happy. Something that makes me feel like me again. I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel like me. Me is gone. Me left a long time ago and I don't know when she's coming back. And I'm not sure how to go about trying to get her back. Because I feel like giving up.

Funny. And today wasn't even one of my depressed whiney days. I just had an insecure day, and this is what turns out. blah.

Maybe I like minor choral songs because they fit my mood. The soundtrack to my life.