The following is the notes that have gone back and forth between me and Cailan so far... he hasn't written me back yet since the last one, and I don't know if he will. I just want these in my diaries before I lose the actual notes. I think this is memorable enough...
Dear Cailan-
Hi.
I just wanted to write you and say I'm sorry. I really am sorry that things went horribly between us, and I don't want them to be left that way when we graduate and go off to college.
I'm not asking to be friends with you again. I just want to reach an understanding. I want things to be alright between us.
It's been so long and you probably think I'm stupid for bringing this up. But I've finally reached the point that I can. Took me a while, didn't it? :) But ya... I now look back on what happened and just go "Wow... that was really stupid."
I'm not gonna go on and on... I think I've said all I want to say, and I'll let you take it from there.
You seem happy, and I'm glad for you. I hope your happiness continues, and good luck in the future.
And once again... I'm sorry for being an idiot.
----------------------------------
Jessica-
Hey, how are you? Wow, it sure has been a long time since we've talked. I'm really glad you wrote me that note. To be honest, there has always lingered this feeling inside anytime I'd see you. Confusion, not really knowing what happened. All I knew is that I messed up and you hated me. I was really upset at first because we were really close as friends but after a while I just accepted it for what it was. I couldn't change the past or how you felt so I just tried to move on. I never forgot what we had, because it was very cool.
I understand if you don't want to be friends again. still my loss. What happened is still a mystery to me, but I hope we can at least come to a mutual understanding. Friends would be cool but if we are left with just peers then I'll learn to live with it. What happens will happen; and what will happen will happer for a reason. Right?
Cailan
-----------------------------------
Cailan-
It would be great if we could be friends again... but I wouldn't even know where to start, how to begin. I couldn't just walk up to and just start talking all of a sudden. You'll have to make that first move.
One thing I know for sure is that it can't go back to how it was. You say our relationship was really cool, and at times it was. But it was also very unhealthy. Don't you remember all those times we would fight with each other over little things, and we would say such hurtful tings and so on? It was a constant thing! We weren't very nice to one another.
I know you don't understand what happened. And sometimes I wonder if I really do. But I think when it comes down to it, it was really just a lot of stuff. It jsut kept building up, where we just kept abusing eachother, and it just got to the point where it was too much for me, and I just cracked. After that, you said some things that were so incredibly hurtful, that I couldn't even stand to look at you. I don't want to put the entire blame on you, because I was part of it too. It takes more than one person to fight. But I think that is kind of a basic explanation of it, maybe.
It's been a long time, and so many things have changed. I bet we're hardly the same person that we were back in the 9th grade. How are we sure that this will work?
We did have a very cool friendship. I have never really connected with anybody like I connected with you. But I am so worried that it would go back to how it was.
I would love to talk to you more. I don't know how... through notes maybe? Maybe MSN messenger, though I won't be on that for a while beacuse my computer crashed. I can still check my e-mail though... that might be the easiest way. I changed my e-mail address- it is now jessicademl@hotmail.com.
I hope we keep talking... it's been nice. It's like a weight has been lifted off of my mind kind of.
Thanks for writing back
Jessica