I finally saw the light yesterday. I finally found out why I have been hating my boobs for so long, and why they have caused me so much discomfort.

I have been wearing a 46D since like... the 8th grade.

I am actually a 46DD.

Problem solved! And man do my boobs feel good, except that it's hard getting used to the underwire, but I will eventually again.

And I didn't even get measured. I tried on about 30 bras yesterday while I was at fashion bug. And because it's a little less than a week before my period, my nipples were already sore. They hurt like hell after trying on that many bras (I never put bras on properly, so thats why...).

So I felt happier today. And I did something I was really scared to do to.

I have failed to mention in here that I have officially started corresponding with Cailan again. I finally got up the guts to talk to him... kind of. I wrote him a note and had one of my friends, which happens to be his girlfriend, give it to him. Then he wrote me a note and had a friend of his give it to me on Monday. And so today, I wrote him back... a pretty long one too. But this time, I gave it to him myself. I don't know why I was so scared to give it to him. It's just been so long since I've talked to him. But it was so great to read the note from him.

He wants to be friends again, but I'm just not so sure. I don't want to fall back into that absuive relationship again. Though when we weren't fighting, it was the most amazing friendship anyone could ever have. We just connected so well. We didn't hardly have to talk... we usually knew what was going on with one another. But it was also just a very.. unhealthy friendship. Some very very hurtful things were said. And now that I'm not so young and stupid, I can finally admit that it wasn't all just him. I mean... it sure feels like it, but it takes more than one person to fight. I was there too, and I was going right along with it. And I could have stopped it much sooner than I did. I don't know why I didn't. But ya...

I wrote about Cailan a long time ago... I should find the link to that entry. It was written back when I like first started my diary though, so it kind of sucks.

So... back to what I was saying. I do want to be friends with him... but like I wrote in my note to him, I'm not so sure it could work. We're hardly the same people we were in the 9th grade. And that could be a very good thing, don't get me wrong... haha. But it also means that we just might not have that connection anymore.

Like with Shaun. I use to connect with her very well to (no where near the level with Cailan though), and once we fought and didn't talk to eachother for a year, it changed a lot. We definently weren't the same people. Or rather... she wasn't. I guess, thinking on it, I haven't changed all that much. I've become much more reserved in person. I really think about things before I say them out loud, to avoid looking stupid. But other than that... I haven't done anything to change me. Like Shaun... she now routinely sleeps over at guys' houses, she has smoked weed, she drinks sometimes... but I have never done that stuff. I like that fact that I haven't done that stuff I really do, though I feel kind of out of the loop when people start talking about it, but I'm in no rush to run out and try it.

And especially after talking to my mother for a couple of days and looking at old family pictures and stuff. I realllllllllly have a history of alcoholism in my family, so I definently should not take even one sip of alcohol. And I don't care.... water tastes just fine to me. haha. ohhh... and virgin strawberry daquiris all the way baby....

Well, I really do seem to get off track. And I figure it's not worth trying to get back on now. I'll write another entry on it when I have had more time to reflect on it, and I find out what the next step of what is happening is. The ball is in his court right now... so it's all waiting on my side.

So.... the ghost thing (previous entry). My grandpa says it probably wasn't a ghost (emphasis on the word probably), and that it is just the house shifting and because of the cold weather the house is constricting and such. Just regular old house stuff. And I can totally believe it. My bedroom is in a corner, and it's obvious the corner of the house my room is on is sinking into the ground. The latch on my closet door is broken, and that is probably why it keeps swinging open. I can't exactly explain the bedroom door thing, but I am guessing it has to do with that too.

I was totally off my rocker on Monday though... whoo! haha. I needed sleep really bad.

Speaking of sleep... I have sectionals at 7:05am. I didn't even wake up until 8:30 this morning, and I was late for class... haha. So I'm worried about tomorrow morning. My mom isn't here to wake me up. But I usually wake up better anyways when she isn't here. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with the fact that if she isn't here, she isn't yelling at the top of her lungs at me or my brother about getting up and playing this whole wo-is-me game where she thinks that we sleep in on purpose to piss her off. gah... don't even get me started on that though...

Off to sleep then I guess. I should really try to get to bed early. :)