I went to the Mall of America yesterday with Josh and my brother. It was a lot of fun. Went into a couple stores and looked at stuff. My brother bought a lot of novelty items. I didn't drag them into any clothes stores, though I really really wanted to. We ate supper at Hooters, which was interesting. Thats right, I took my 17 yr old friend and 15 yr old brother to a Hooters. It was really good food though. haha.

I've really really started to like Josh. I would really like to just get up the nerve and ask him out. Maybe ask him to prom or something. It's just not happening though. I always feel so stupid around him. He's so witty and nice and he's really super smart even though he doesn't show it. Theres so much about him that I don't know... me and Rachel talk about him, and we realize just how much we don't know about him. He keeps stuff really hidden. And if you try to ask him stuff, he just makes up jokes and goes off subject. I know it's an obvious defense mechanism... but I want to know whats causing it. Maybe another road trip with just me and him would solve it. :) Maybe I could actually ask him stuff.

I'm finding myself more than just attracted to him in just a regular way... like I am to anybody else. I'm kind of attracted to him in a sexual way. Like... I've had 2 sex dreams in the past 2 weeks where he has been the "main character", if you know what I mean. haha. And last night on the way home (it's about a 45 minute drive from my grandparent's house, where we stopped to drop off Tony), all I could keep thinking about was just like, kissing him and doing other stuff. And he was just sitting there, singing along to Tenacious D. Oh goodness... let me tell you how red my face got when he was singing "Fuck Her Gently". Wow. haha.

I was sure I was looking real attractive too last night, with my nasty greasy hair pulled back and PINK EYE. Thats right. I got pink eye again. 3rd freaking time!! In 3 weeks!!!

Anyways... it's weird how this has been happening all of a sudden. It's like... strange, you know? I didn't have my first sex dream until a little after I turned 17, and now they've been happening a lot. And not only that, I'm really sexually attracted to people and horny all the time, and I was just so ready to jump him last night. I feel so awkward and weird. Its weird to look at him after I've had a dream about him. haha. And I REALLLLLLY get into these dreams too. I'm not saying I want them to go away!!! haha. I just want to be able to do something about them!

I've always said I want to wait until I'm married to have sex. But I dunno... the more this happens, the more I don't want to wait.

I'm so ugly though when I'm naked. Fat rolls, stretch marks, hair... yea. At this point I wouldn't want anybody to see me naked. I don't really want to see me naked. Sometimes it's alright... but it has to be a really good day for me to feel comfortable with myself. I love the feeling of being naked though.

And damn I love my boobs. haha.

But moving on...

I really want a boyfriend. I've been saying that since like... the 2nd grade. And I've had friends who have been saying it that long too. But the difference between me and them is that they have actually done it. They have had boyfriends. Several boyfriends. While I sit here, having had none. And it makes me sad. It's not a status thing anymore, like it was back in junior high. I just want to have that connection with someone.

I don't want to go to prom alone. I could handle not having a boyfriend, I guess.... but I don't want to go to prom alone. Or be a third wheel to anyone else. I want to go with a guy that I can be comfortable with and have fun with.

Josh might be going with Rachel. Michael is definently going with Grace. I'm too chicken to ask Brent. I can't think of anyone else... I'm at a loss. I'm screwed. gah.

I'm going to go listen to some more depressing music and work on my layout. Fix my hugs thing... it looks placed awkwardly to me. Maybe it'll take my mind off of my lonliness.