Today is the day I turn 18. I will officially be 18 at 6:50pm central time.

Today should be a happy day. Then why is it that I am sitting here staring into space, listening to John Lennon sing Imagine, and Iz sing Somewhere over the Rainbow (I have the *best playlist going right now...), and all I can think about are the negatives. Things that I wanted to do before I turned 18 that I hadn't. Things that I have been wishing for for a long time that haven't happened.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one"

I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years... I can see that when I go through all my diaries, and when I cleaned my room today and found so much of my old stuff... but I'm still not where I want to be.

This all hit me especially hard tonight, when Rachel kissed Josh right in front of me. I don't know why. It just did. It made me realize how many things I haven't done. I've never really kissed anybody, I've never held hands with anybody, I don't get hugs from people. People, especially in the sense of guys, don't come anywhere near me.

My mom and Rachel say that I need to be more aggressive. But it's so hard. I've always been passive. I'm not fine with being passive, but it works for me at the moment. It makes me feel better than the times that I try to be aggressive and end up looking stupid.

18 has come far too soon... I still have so many things to do. I just want to go back...

We'll see how I feel come tonight though. Late tonight. When I actually am 18. See how I'm doing then...

*The playlist I am listening to:

Moon River- Audrey Hepburn
While My Guitar Gently Weeps- Beatles
Let it Be- Beatles
Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
Amber- 311
My Funny Valentine- Chet Baker
More Than Words- Extreme
Here Comes the Sun- George Harrison
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- Iz
Imagine- John Lennon
Konstantine- Something Corporate
Salvation is Created (played by a wind band)
Moon River- Audrey Hepburn

Repeat whole list several times....