fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

why can't I just fucking die? I'm sick of living. I'm just... done. I just am tired of dealing with crap that doesn't matter. I'm gonna fail my fucking utopian lit class, I'm gonna have an F on my first quarter of senior year, there will be no fucking way that I will get into St. Olaf, and then what do I do? I have absolutely no place else to go after that. I'll graduate and be stuck at Cash-wise for the rest of my life because I am unable to do things that others are able to do. Because I picked the wrong fucking classes. Because I'm a slacker and procrastinator and I don't know when to kick my ass into gear. I have fucked my life up so much because I am a fucking idiot. Damnit. I just don't know what the hell to do anymore. I'm sick of it all. I can't stand it...

I go through everyday wishing I wasn't here. Finding fault in every single thing I do and regretting everything... wishing I could go back and change everything that I do. But life is cruel, and I can't go back and change it, and I keep on making these fucking mistakes. It doesn't end! It's a constant circle!!

My chest hurts so much right now... just my fucking heart is breaking or something. Or maybe the weight I carry around all the time (weight of worry, not the fucking obesity) is finally taking it's toll. Why the hell do I worry so much? I want to stop, but I can't. I've been taught that I always have to worry abotu something. That if I'm not worrying about something, than nothing will go the way I want it. If I don't worry about my grades, I won't get into St. Olaf. Well, fuck... I took a break from worrying about that for awhile this quarter, and look where it's taken me.

I feel sick... I'm ready to just throw up right now.

I tried telling my mom how I felt tonight, and she just blew me off. Got pissed off at me because I tried telling har that I feel she doesn't help me enough for school. I need the extra help because we decided at the beginning of high school that I didn't need a teaching assistant, that I could make it on my own. Well, look where the fuck thats gotten me, right? She yells at me anytime I need help with my homework that she has already gone through high school, that she's already done the homework. Yea right! Like she's done this. Does she think that she's not gonna need to know this when it comes around to Tony and he needs help? She's constantly asking me for help for things for Tony... maybe if she had helped me the first time around for the same things Tony is doing, maybe she wouldn't need my fucking help.

If I could, I would so just end it all right now. But I can't. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the fucking willpower to just... do something. I have never had the willpower to something about anything. Ever. I'm a fucking mess. And no one in this goddamn household seems to want to help me. They're all just concerned about themselves. I'm the one going to fucking college. I'm the one who has to worry about where I get in and how to pay for the damn thing. I'm the one who has to decide right this minute what the quality of life will be will be for the rest of my life.

Not a single person is willing to help. I don't know where to turn....

I just... don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. Please god... just answer me one time. One single fucking time. You've screwed me over on everything else...