I fucked up so bad tonight at the concert. Just completely.... well, what other words are there than fucked up. I got stage fright.... I have never had stage fright before. Or at least not this bad. I mean... I usually get adrenaline rushes when I'm on stage. This time I was just... a zombie. I'm still a zombie. I am on the edge of tears, and have actually cried twice since the concert ended. I am absolutely pathetic.

I forgot notes, and I actually forgot words. I forgot half of the words to Heilig. I don't know how the hell that happened. I've been practicing those songs almost perfectly for weeks now... I had a fabulous rehearsal this afternoon and was confident for a good performance from myself tonight... and than BAM! something happened. I don't know whats going on. This scares the shit out of me... I can't have this happening like this.

I was just so... self-concious throught the whole concert. I could feel the people staring at me. I was just so completely aware of not only being in the front row, but of being at the end. And I kept thinking about what the hell I was supposed to do at the end of the concert because I was supposed to be the first to walk off. He told me nothing about what was gonna happen except that he'd give me a signal to walk off. I had absolutely no clue what that signal was. I was looking at him and he did something with his hands... I didn't know if he was telling me to go ahead. I walk out and I'm freaking out... some people are telling me not to go, some people are following, Mrs. Gold told me to stop and then told me to go ahead... I felt like a fool. I was so embarrrased, I would have liked to crawl under a boulder and let it fall back down on me and just kill me. Instead, I just stood there and held the door open for everyone else to come through, and it felt like so many people were looking at me like I was just the dumbest person on the face of the planet. I don't handle high pressure situations well! God... why did I fuck up so badly!?!?! It shouldn't have been like that! It should have been easy!

Yet again, I find some way to fail. This fucking sucks. fuck fuck fuck. fuck the fuckin' fuckers.

I've just been feeling so out of place lately. I just feel I don't even belong in the human race. I'm not good enough for anything. How do people put up with me? I'm pathetic and a drag and I'm always worrying about something and take too many things way to seriously. I feel sorry for anybody who even slightly likes me. No wonder I don't have any friends to hang out with.

I just want to go to bed and cry... but I have way too much homework to do before I can do that. Including a column to write that I know will suck so much ass it's not even funny.

I hate myself so much. How can I face those people tomorrow in school?

I talk like it's the end of the world. I guess it's not that big of a deal... but it feels like it to me at the moment.