Went on college tours for the past 2 days. Went to St. Olaf yesterday, and Gustavus today. Both of my parents went, and the outcome was fairly good, I would say.

Except for the fact that absolutely hate Gustvaus.

I just don't feel like I fit in there, and it's such a different atmosphere from St. Olaf. At Olaf, it's like a family. Everyone seems close and they all say hi to eachother on the walkways, and the campus is so freaking beautiful, and they place huge emphasis on the music prgorams, which is what I want because I'm going to be majoring in music education (hopefully).

At Gustvaus, everything is so spread apart and the buildings are ugly, and theres kind of this aire about the school where it's like... snobbish kind. I dunno. I just feel I don't belong there. Though... I just really don't know. I guess I could apply there. I know I would get a good quality education there. I just don't want to shut out my options and limit myself strictly to St. Olaf.

I was thinking about Mankato State University for my fall-back, because I know for sure I could get in there. But I hate it... so I'm starting to think I shouldn't go there. I mean... I really really hate it. It's ugly, I don't think the programs are all that great there either (in my opinion)....

I actually felt like I belonged at St. Olaf.... thats what I want! A place where I belong. A place I could really really enjoy. And I know thats what I'll get there.

Not only that... my dad totally agrees with me, which makes me feel really good. He enjoyed St. Olaf just as much as I do, and he's put me at ease about the costs of college (Gustavus and Olaf are in the same range, so it doesn't matter to him in that way... he said don't worry about the costs, that they'll figure it out)... he says I looked so happy while I was at St. Olaf. And he said he could sense that same difference I could at Gustavus.

Maybe I should check out Winona state? I dunno why... it just popped into my head earlier as I was thinking about schools.

I MUST go to St. Olaf. I just have to. I am going to be really really heartbroken when I don't get in.

And whats more... I want to get my applications and audition tapes done and sent out by my birthday. My birthday is November 27th. Crap, is that soon.

Ugh, enough about colleges. All that is written above is starting to sound repetitive to me, and whiny.

I'm talking to Shaun on the phone right now. I called her because I want to go to the movies tonight up in Lakeville (about a 45 minute drive away) and see Napoleon Dynamite again. She's not giving me a real answer if she wants to go or not, and I know at the last minute she's gonna say no and I will have wasted 2 hours on the phone doing absolutely nothing. She pisses me off so much sometimes. I mean, I don't even really want to go to the movies with her... I'm talking to her with just this... hate in my heart or something. I just don't want to go, but I really don't want to stay home either. And she's available, as she says... who knows if she really is. She's talking to me on the phone while she's searching for porn I think, because she keeps talking about porn. It's weird. Searching for porn is something that should be done in private... not in the company of others. Unless you're into that kind of thing I guess.

Gah, I have so much homework to do this weekend. Why am I even bothering with her? With the way she's putting it off, I'm guessing she doesn't even want to go. I need to figure out what I'm doing tonight... what movies are good right now?

LATER: I was right... Shaun made up some crap excuse, and therefore I am not going anywhere tonight. I know when she's lying. She lies to me a lot. I'm sick of it. She thinks I'm lying when I tell her I don't really have any friends, and I laid it out flat for her tonight. I told her the last time I went out with anyone was the last time I went out with her.... which was probably over 6 months ago. I did go out with Sheila... but it's kind of different. She was spending the weekend with me.

I'm sick of being rejected by her all the time. The next 100 times she calls, I'm going to reject her... she'll get a feel for what it feels like to never do anything with someone that you know you have a genuine good time with. Fuck her... I'm sick of it.