I love Sheila so much. I talked to her for like, 2 1/2 hours last night, and she just made me forget everything that makes me sad. She's fun, and easy to talk to, and just... so incredibly sweet. Even though she had had a bad day too, she still offered to make me feel better. I made her feel better too, and thats good.

I got to thinking last night... maybe music education isn't for me. I'm obviously not that great, and not a ton of people like me, and I'm an incredibly shy person (though for some reason Sheila says I'm one of the most outgoing people she's ever met)... so I dunno. I need to figure it out soon, because I don't want to pay all that money for an education at St. Olaf, and then do nothing with it.

I had mentioned in the spark something about becoming a photographer. I've always had that in the back of my mind as something to do... but I've never really ever planned to do anything with. I don't know all that much about photography. But I guess I could learn. And I guess I have a touch for taking great nature pictures. I don't know what kind of career that is to get into though... if it would work for me. I don't know if anything will work for me.

I should talk to my mom about that... I don't feel like it right now though. And who knows... maybe it's just, delirious thinking from being so upset about not getting into carolers.

Ugh... I didn't get to sleep until 3am this morning because I was just... lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about carolers and what could've been. I wanted that so much... it really does suck, a lot.

I don't think I'm gonna be a part of anything this year, and thats sad. And I got to thinking this morning... I never have been really involved in a whole lot of activites. Not for lack of trying though... it's just that it seems like everything is audition only, and I'm just not good enough. I'm mediocre. But I can't exactly put "I tried to join this and this and this and didn't make it" on a college app or a scholarship app. It's going to make me seem lazy. I really haven't been... I've tried so hard!!

I don't want to think about this right now. I'm gonna figure out what I want for supper... the rest of the family had taco dip tonight, and I'm really not in the mood for it. Might get some soup or something. OOOO!! or cream cheese wontons and egg rolls! That would be good...