Copied from my livejournal... therefore it's a really bad entry, but I felt a strong urge to put it in here anyways because I know people like Jes would like to know whats going on with me, and I probably wouldn't cover this at any other time. PS- thanks Lilly for some of this information... it certainly shines a new light on things

I'm incredibly nervous for tomorrow. Will I get a wink of sleep tonight?

And by the way... who came up with that? A wink of sleep? Whats that mean? Who winks at sleep? How has wink all of a sudden become a form of measurement?

Ugh.. nerves!

Auditions for carolers are tomorrow! I just learned my part... but I'm still very rough, and I know that I'll screw it up in front of all those people. Which sucks. Because I have wanted to be a caroler since elementary school, and it's very important to me. I will be kicking myself for years to come if I don't get in... and I have this feeling deep inside that I am not going to get in. I sooooo desperately want to be a part of something this year, and the musical isn't gonna happen with me this year, and highly doubtful that any other play will... and I do have the music listening contest, but that's just one day, and solo/ensemble contest is not only just one day, but I will most likely just be doing solos. Where am I in an ensemble? I mean.. I'm in choir and orchestra... but I don't feel a bond with anyone. Kind of in orchestra... I have Rachel and Grace and Josh and stuff... but I defiently don't feel anythign with anyone in choir. It depresses me to sit in that chair everyday watching the people file into the classroom and everyone is talking and playing around and joking with their friends before it starts, and I'm sitting there in my chair, pretending to go over my music, but really I'm just sitting there kicking myself in the face and being depressed because I'm so stupid.

Oh, you know what else also depresses me? Brandon no longer gives me hugs. He's hardly said anything to me since the day after he was crowned homecoming king, and I mentioned his mom to him. Way to go for being extremely dumb, right? Talk to a guy you don't really know about a really touchy subject. blah.

I really don't know people anymore. I am finding things out about people that I never really cared to know and that I thought would never happen. Such as... a former friend, last name excluded... Amanda H is not a virgin, and in fact slept with Eric. DISGUSTINGGROSSYUCKEWWWWWVOMITYUCKYYUCKYYUCK!!!!!!!!! Then, after having had slept with him for awhile, and they broke up, she missed him so much that she faked being pregnant. I repeat, faked being pregnant. Who in the hell would procreate with Eric? That should be illegal!!! I wish I had kicked him in the balls when I had the chance! I would have kicked him so hard, he would have needed a testicle retrieval operation.

But you know, I should get back to my original point. I'm nervous about auditions tomorrow, and I'm scared I'm going to fail, because it seems like anything I try for I fail. I fail miserably. I don't want to fail anymore. I hate failing. Failing is a horrible word. It just sends a bitterness into your spine, doesn't it? Try saying it out loud a couple of times. Fail. Failing. Fail fail failing fail.

I think I need to rehearse the song a lot more before I go to bed. Or record it and burn a disk real quick and listen to it on repeat all night while I'm sleeping and get it memorized that way, so when I wake up there can be no way that I screw up, unless I screw up on the recording and then I'll never be able to fix that problem. Never mind, I'm not going to record it. Too risky.

To be even more random... I love the rain. Rain is soothing. I love the sound of it falling. Abnd I like how it looks. But I don't like how if my hair gets wet from the rain, it frizzes really bad and gets tangled. But sometimes it's alright if I'm in the right company, such as Brent and Sheila. It was alright to get wet then... because it was fun. I should have gone to the bridge with them that final morning when it was pouring and thundering and lightening and they went to Beaver Dam anyways to try to watch the sun rise. :) And I had stayed up all night to watch it, and then I didn't go... sad.

I need to go to bed, it's been a long day.