I hate being depressed and angry and moody.

I hate hating the world.

I hate hating myself.

I just want to feel beautiful, to feel happy, to enjoy life. I want to be able to talk to other people and understand them and not be angry at so many people at one time because I feel like they're all stupid and don't know how to act around others.

Why do I allow myself to be stepped all over like a doormat? All the fucking time!

I've found scary thoughts floating in my mind lately... thoughts where I want to kill myself. Thoughts where I want to kill others. I know that I really wouldn't do it, that I actually don't thhink it's a good idea... but why in the world are those thoughts coming into my mind in the first place. And I'm not proud of those thoughts... I embarrased to even put it in my diary. I don't want anyone to know.

I got put on Welbutrin yesterday... took one this morning. Have to get my actual prescription yet from the store... my mom takes the same thing so she gave it to me. I hope it helps... if I believed in a god, I would pray for it to help me.

It was so damn hard to force a smile for my senior pictures today. I hope they turn out alright... I'll recieve the proofs in 2-3 weeks. When I get the finals, I'll post them.

I've cried at school everyday for the past week. I wish I could stop that... it's not pretty. I just can't handle people right now, and I don't know who to tell or how to handle it. I can't just stop going to school... but actually going isn't helping me at all right now either because I'm not learning anything because I can't concentrate.

Thought just crossed my mind... maybe I could talk to Kiefer. He's always been there for me. I just hate telling people how i feel though. I always feel like I'm whining, and that everything I have to say is extremely unimportant. Martha tried to convince me otherwise tonight... but I dunno. It just doesn't get through.

Maybe what I do say is always whining, and the people trying to tell me that it's not are just trying to make me feel better so that I'll shut up.

I just need to go to bed. When I'm asleep, I don't feel any of this pain. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up for a very very long time. Make everything feel better.