I just spent some time on the St. Olaf website looking at application information... and I'm just feeling very panicked at the moment. It's all so overwhelming! Application information, financial aid, the actual tuition, GPA and ACT score.... everything. I don't like what my chances of getting in are. I mean... if I don't get in, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I've wanted to go there for so long, and I have everything planned out... but I have this major fear clouding my mind... I just know I'm not going to get accepted. If I actually do get accepted... well, that'll be the day I start going back to church I think, because a God does exist (and don't hold me to that either... it'll be hard to go back to church).

All of these years in school I haven't been putting forth as much effort as I could... and I really really really regret that now. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I fucked up my own life now. It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people... but wow. The realization of it has just hit me like a bomb.

But... I dunno. If I had worked harder, would my grades be any better? Would my GPA be any higher? Maybe it wouldn't be... maybe theres nothing I could do about it.

I really do wish that I had payed attention more though, or that I was actually able to. I have tried so hard sometimes to keep my head in there, and not let it get away from me... not sit and daydream. I always thought it was normal for that to happen... that it happens to everyone. That everyone has trouble paying attention in class. I think I'm also just realizing what my ADD does to me. Damn ADD. Sucks ass.

At camp I wasn't worried about college and school and stuff. But I come home, see the letter sitting on the table, and realize that school starts in under a month... on September 1st. I don't want senior year to be here. It's too soon. I don't want to move on to the next part of my life yet... though I may complain about it a lot, I'm perfectly content with this part of my life!

I so want to be back at camp right now... I've missed it so much, you would not believe. I cry a lot about it.... I am missing it so much, it actually hurts. If I had the time, I would definently drive back up there and spend the day up there. But it might just be odd... I mean, driving 5 hours just to spend a couple of hours there. But it would be worth it.... oh, it would definently be worth it.

I don't think anyone will ever understand how much I love that place. It's just... undescribable.

I've been wanting to write about camp, but I have been unable too. I just... I can't. I don't want to use my diary entries I wrote at camp because they really do suck. But I don't know what else to say. Last night I was thinking, and I think I might just write seperate entries about each person, and different stories and everything. But I have to get the time yet... Even though I had tuesday and yesterday off from work, I didn't do much. I sat around and sulked. Felt bad for myself that I wasn't at camp anymore. And now I don't know when I'll have time to write, because I'm working a lot in the next couple of days. Today, for the first time since being hired, I work for more than 6 hours. I start at 4:15, and work until 11.... that is forever. Thats gonna suck. And tomorrow I work all afternoon, as well as on Saturday. And I have to check the schedule yet as for what I'm working next week. I hope it's not a lot, and that I actually do have thursday off, because my grandma has invited me to come up on Thursday and go out for lunch and then go school shopping with her and my little cousin. I can't believe Erin is gonna be in 1st grade. I can't believe that I'm gonna be in the 12th grade! haha. It's just all too fast...

I hope the rest of my life isn't like this... fast. I want to be able to take it slow and enjoy it... not be running to try to catch up on things I've missed.

I feel sad now. And listening to "Mad World" from Donnie Darko at the same time... it's sombering.

I really want to watch Donnie Darko, but it's out from the video store. I should see if I can just put it on reserve. It was checked out just as I walked into the video store the other day, after having had waited a couple days because it was out when I originally went in to get it. And I want to rent Boondock Saints... but they don't even have it. Maybe I'll have to borrow it from someone... I dunno. I really want to see those 2 movies.

I should go... I feel like looking at camp pictures ago. haha... I'm constantly looking at those things! It just brings back such good memories... why not look at something that makes me so incredibly happy? Happiness is good.