Today work wasn't too bad. :) When I came home, I had this major grin that made my parents and brother wonder what the hell I had been up too. :) My brother actually guessed correctly, first guess. :) I'm glad I've been able to talk to my brother lately... I actually told him about Shaun and how she had tried weed. I haven't even told my mom. I don't know why I feel that I have too... because I don't. But then again, I want to be able to talk to my mom about it.

But anyways! What my brother guessed correctly was that.... I saw Michael. :) He stopped and talked to me for a few minutes, talking about his trip to Uganda and the pictures that were in the paper and all that. :)I was having a pretty crappy work day before he showed up, and the minute I saw him... it took my breath away. I was just so happy... I was smiling likea fool for the rest of work, and I was working alot better... going faster for swiping things than I had been earlier. He just makes me so happy. I don't understand. The thought, the sight... instant joy.

I was reading some of my old entries, fixing all the typos and everything, and I was seeing a theme back in the 10th grade where I was obsessed with the idea of Utopia. And thinking on it... I think Michael is as close to my Utopian guy as I will ever find. The thing I worry about though is that because of how I feel about him, the fact that I see him in such an "angelic" light, I'm worried that I don't see things between us that don't work. I mean, I can see the obvious. How religious he is, and how not religious I am. And he's close-minded, and theres nothing I can do to change some of his ideas, not that I should be doing that anyways because people are entitled to their opinions. But I can't help but hate when he starts making fun of someone because they're gay. That's just not right. Everyone should be allowed to be what they want, right? I mean... me, as a straight person, am encouraged to be who I am, to go for whatever I want, for whatever makes me happy and whatever is best for me. So why should that change for a person who is gay?

But I am still so in love with him. I wish I could tell him that... but I don't want to. As much as I want to move forward and see if things could actually happen between us, I don't want to take the risk. I don't want to have the possibility of everything absolutely failing and me being crushed... because I know that's what would happen.

Who wants to see a picture of Michael?

click on the picture to make it larger

It's rare for anyone to get a picture of him... he hates having his picture taken. I'm glad I was able to talk him into standing still long enough to get that one. That was on the last day of school.

Moving on from the subject of Michael. I feel bad today... this week I have fallen off my diet really bad. I've been eating sugar filled things, I ate at a fast food place last night (Arby's), and tonight I did one step worse and ate at McDonalds! I wonder how much I weight right now. Tomorrow I'm going to see the shrink, and I will definently be weighed. I failed to mention that last time I went to the gyn, they told me I had lost another 10 pounds since the last time I told you guys what I weighed. I was down to exactly 300. So in a period of 5 months I lost close to 30 pounds. And everybody in my family has been saying how good I look, how much weight I've lost. My grandpa saw me not too long ago and he said "Good god child, you've lost a lot of weight!", but he said it in his funny grandpa way. :) I want to lose a lot more, and I'm doing it slowly. I'm dreading the day when my body will stop loosing weight. Then I might actually have to start exercising! Oh god! The thought! Me, exercising? HA! I guess I could try it once though. I would not mind walking on the park trail, going to the beach and then to the little island at the end of the lake that no one ever really goes to because the bridge isn't all that great, and they're all scared to cross it because the water is really gross over there I sat at tat island one night and watched the sun set. It was so perfect... I never thought I'd ever see colors like that in my own town. On that night, I decided that it's not just the sunsets at Star Lake that get me. It's sunsets on any lake at all. I just have a connection with it... the sun setting into the water... like the water is putting it out. It's gorgeous.

I finally uploaded the pictures rom my camping weekend in Alexandria, where I took over 100 pictures of the sunset and family... and the first time I saw the picture son the computer, it literally took my breath away. They're amazing. I need to upload them onto the internet and get them in here... just some. Not all. Theres too many to put all. haha. But... ya. My mom is pushing me way hard to enter my pictures into the fair this year, and I'm seriously thinking about doing it. The only problem is that when I print out the pictures, I feel it changes them. They lose something... they just became much more grainy and pixelized, and I don't like them as much. Though maybe I can have my dad change the setting on the printer and we can try to get really good quality paper. It'd be cool to win a prize at the fair.

Well, it's getting late, and I need to wake up early tomorrow for a dentist appointment, where they are gonna take out the packing that they put in the dry socket and put in another... and I'm not entirely upset about that, because the one thats in there now is actually starting to come out, and it's bother me. This little string in the back of my mouth, making me gag.. it's gross. haha. And then meet with the shrink, see how much weight I've gained this week, or how much I've lost since the gyn appointment, and then I have to work again tomorrow. I don't really want to... but I'll keep in mind the fact that Michael does shop at Cash-Wise and maybe he'll stop in and see me. :) Michael... I hope I have a dream about him. A good one. :)

Goodnight!