So end of the year is coming, and I'm getting stressed out. It's finally hit me what I'm doing to myself by not doing my homework... I have a D in math and a C- in American lit. I could be doing so much better in american lit, but I'm choosing not too. And silly thing is that I enjoy reading, but I just won't because it's required. We're reading To Kill a Mockingbird. The more I read of it, the more I enjoy, and I'm really trying my hardest to not enjoy it I think... haha.

It seems everything is coming at once. I'm making friends now, and getting invited to all sorts of things. I'm invited to 2 birthday parties coming up that are on the same day! haha... ummm... fine arts banquet coming up where I am recieving 2 awards for recieving excellent scores on my solos for solo/ensemble contest. I work all weekend this weekend, and then I'm gonna go see the Minnesota State Orchestra saturday night. It feels strange to get involved in things... I'm so used to sitting at home on my ass, either in front of the computer or in front of the tv... and here I am, going out and doing things with people now, and I just am having problems enjoying it because I don't want myself too. What if I start to enjoy it too much, and then all of a sudden it's just gone.

I have a problem with that... I think I don't let myself succeed at anything because when I fail, it makes it easier to just blame everything on bad luck because I fail at other things. Ok... thats a totally hacked explaination of what I'm actually thinking... I don't know how to explain it. But one example is when I'm losing weight. When I know I'm doing really well... thats when I binge. And I don't know why! It's a total subconcious thing...

I've been doing good at losing weight. In the past 2 1/2 months, I have lost over 20 pounds. I can notice it... right now I am wearing khakis that 2 months ago did not fit at all... theres another pair of pants that I bought just a couple weeks ago that are already to big for me. It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time... I mean, a good thing because I'm on my way to being healthy, but bad because all my old clothes don't fit well in length, and not only that, they're all kind of ugly. I wore something yesterday that I just felt so ugly in... I was embarrased to be seen in public because I just didn't like how the clothes were hanging on me. Not that I enjoyed it when they were too tight... but I dunno. I've never been comfortable in my own skin... and I'm tired of it. But I want all of this damn fat off right now... not gradually!

One thing that sucks is that nobody notices. Or not that anybody says. And I dunno... I don't really want anyone coming up to me and saying "geez! congrats! You're not such a fat ass anymore!", but when it's just my mom and my grandma saying that they notice how much weight I really have lost, it makes me wonder if I really am losing any weight at all, or if they're just saying it. Does anyone else notice? Thats what I want to know. I mean... when my own "best friend" doesn't say anything about it.. it's hard to think that anything good will come out of this, so why deprive myself of good sweet foods anymore?

By the way, if you're wondering what kind of diet I'm on... I mainly concentrate on low/no sugar and low carbs. Low fat and low calories are also a good thing...

I'm tired of Shaun. I have decided that it's best if maybe I just don't hang out with her anymore. I mean, when I'm around her, she really makes me question what the motives are for her being with me... is it because she wants to be with me or because theres no one else to be around? It seems that whenever I want to hang out with her, she never wants to, but when she calls me, I have to be available and I have to hang out with her. And I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't be forced to hang out with anyone that I don't want to. I'd rather hang out with people that make me feel good about myself rather than those that just make me feel sorry for who I am, and make me remember painful things.

Well, I best be going... its late, and I need to shower yet. I have so much more I want to write, but just not enough words to put the thoughts into. I'll try again later...