Sometimes I feel very alone. I hate that feeling... sitting in a crowded room where everyone is talking to eachother, laughing and having fun, and I'm left sitting there by myself, knowing none of them will ever come over and stike up a conversation with me. I don't know what it is about me that makes me so toxic to others. Why do people hate to even stand next to me? Do I smell bad or something? haha... God, I really hope that's not it, otherwise I'll keel over and die! haha

My dad said something very funny last night... he walked up to me when I was outside last night sitting on the swing and he goes "Sooo... when are you and Michael gonna go out?"... I thought my head was going to explode from embarrasment! haha... He then went on telling me how much I change when I'm around him, how I become a much happier person. And he saw it first-hand last night when we went out to my dad's friends' farm to get some pictures of some peacocks (which, by the way, are on of the most beautiful creatures in the world close up). And he's so right! I am much happier when I'm around him, or when I even just think of him! I just don't know what it is about him that makes me feel so wonderful. But alas, I am sad because I know that nothing will ever come out of it. I just don't think he likes me in that way, or even has thought of it. I wish he had though.

I thought about asking him to prom next year, being as I wouldn't see him everyday because he's going full time post-secondary (to avoid awkwardness)... but I don't think it wil happen. He's already (not even a week after prom!) been talking about going with Grace again next year. And I wouldn't do anything to take away from her... she's a great friend. I almost feel comfortable calling her a best friend even! And I know she had such a great time going to prom with him this year. Why not let her have that fun again?

There I go, back to feeling lonely. No matter how much I want to change for my senior year, to be more outgoing and not always worrying, know I won't change at all. I know I'll still have the same feeling come same time next year. I wish I knew what to do to change that... that I knew how to break out of my shell. I've always been known as the shy fat girl... now that I'm losing weight (doing well! Probably have lost 10 pounds in 2 months!), I shouldn't be shy anymore....

If only some of those people in my school knew who I really am... if they knew what I really think. But I am not gonna show anyone I know IRL my diary anytime soon... and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully break out and act like a regular human being. It's just too hard..

But I need to work on it... I got a call from Cash-wise today and they want to set up an interview... I might be working at the video store. I'm scared shitless... I don't know how I'll be able to handle the people.

Some days are just better than others...