I've been looking over my past entries... and I'm starting to realize the reason why I didn't update often... it's because the more often I update, the less interesting I become. Because in a period of like, 2 weeks to a month, things have changed so much that I can write something new. But if I write everyday, it becomes boring, and not only becomes of no interest to any reader, but becomes of no interest to me... it's strange!

And this whole entry is about Michael. :) I like him more than words can describe... and it's been that way for a long time. Ok... I think I more than like him! I don't know what to say to say how I feel about him. I dunno... he just makes me feel so warm, and so- comfortable with myself. Like, it doesn't matter how I look everyday, wether my hair is a matted mess or I have mt. everest coming out of the center of my forehead (referring to a zit... god damn things... grrr..), he makes me feel gorgeous. He talks to me, he laughs with me, he makes me laugh... and thats what I want. Someone who talks to me and makes me laugh. Because whats life without laughter, right? I'm talking about him as though this is the man I'm going to marry... I feel like such a pre-pubescent girl! He's just a friend... a really good friend. A friend who I just happen to have had a crush on since the 1st grade.

Mom keeps saying that she thinks he likes me too... I mean, she's known him forever. She used to hang out with his parents when they were in high school, she went to his baby shower, she saw him the first day of the first grade (with his long mullet... haha... so early 90's). But she's been wrong before... she thought this kid Brandon liked me... Brandon just flirts with every girl he sees, and I know that. I guess she wouldn't though, being as she's not in school with me everyday. But Michael... he doesn't flirt with girls... he's the type who seems kind of stuck up and mean and everything, but really he's just shy and thats how he gets around it. I guess you'd have to know him to understand what I'm talking about.

You know how I was saying how much I wish a guy would just touch me so that I could say someone other than Eric had? Well... I feel like I've gotten past it. Michael's arm connected with mine today in Spanish... and it just felt so... magical I guess is the word I want. It just felt so perfect... like it was supposed to be there. And whats more is that even though he realized his arm was on mine, he didn't move it. :) He was leaning over to whisper to me when it happened.. and even that was great. His voice in my ear.... AHH! I'm wayyyy too obsessed. haha...

Theres no way I can ask him out though. I've tried that before, and it ruined our friendship for awhile... I don't think I could ever do that again. But I'm so scared that what we have right now isn't going to last... school's ending in a little over a month, and then it's summer... he'll be going on a mission trip to Uganda (that in itself is scary, considering some missionaries were killed over there about 7 months ago... stabbed to death!), and I'll be going to camp, and most likely be working. And then our senior year of high school will start. I'll be at the high school, and he'll be going post secondary at the community college. And we'll graduate... graduation is so close! I can't believe that in like 14 months, I'll be graduating and moving out and going to college and starting my life on my own. It's a totally scary thought to me.. not knowing whats gonna happen, what people I'm going to me, who I'm gonna hang with.

I've become scared recently that I'll never fulfill everything that I have wanted to before I become an adult. It's not that far off... I'll be 18 in november. I want to have a boyfriend (a real one, not a gay one...), I want to have a real kiss, I want to make out with someone... under the stars. :) haha.. unrealistic... but still. I mean, people do that, don't that? Anyways... hmm. I ponder on the future to much. I should just live in the now and move on... who even knows if I'm going to live until tomorrow? I should do everything I want to do today.

Gone a bit philosophical, didn't I? :) I guess thats my cue to go... you've got your fill of entries for the day. Enjoy, I guess...