So I've been crying a lot in the past 2 days. In fact, a little bit of the crying was brought on last nite from this site because I had written a huge long entry, and just as I went to click save, my internet performed an illegal and the whole freaking thing shut down. Don't you hate it when that happens??

I have to get a job. As of 2 days ago, on the first, my insurance was suspended on my car because my parents are unable to afford it anymore. And it really sucks, because I really do not want to get a job!

Now you're probably wondering what the huge deal is with me getting a job, why I don't want one so bad! Well... I'll tell you exactly why. Because I'm scared to. Physically scared. Everytime I think of getting a job, my body tenses up and I start to shake, and then the tears come on.

My social anxieties have really gotten the best of me these past couple of months... like, I can't handle being around people. I can't handle a classroom with 20 people in it, so how will I be able to handle a working environment that will no doubt get busy, and I will be stressed and pressured, and I don't work well under pressure? Just how will I handle it? I've had jobs before, but this is different. This time I will not be working with family, who knows about my problems and has been around me long enough to know how to handle them. They know that I have issues, and my fears, and they are able to be loving towards me and take care of me. But now because I am not allowed to get a job in the family, and have to go elsewhere.... it's just gonna be really different, and really difficult.

I finally picked up an application today. I don't want to fill it out... but I'm going to. And probably hand it in too... but I don't want to work at that place. Actually, the only place I can actually see myself working at is not a place I can work at, because it is 20 minutes away! That place is Tune Town, the music store in Fairbault. Thats the best place... never busy, tons of music, and it's something I actually know. I don't know how to run a cash register or anything, which is a given with any job that I'm gonna have to learn that... but I know music. I don't know how to stock shelves.

I feel extremely unreasonable thinking about it all the time. Stupid thoughts pop into my head, like what if they fire me because I go to camp for 2 weeks? Or what will happen in the fall when I get into the musical again (God willing... if I was lucky once, maybe again?), how will they handle the schedule of that, me being after school everyday until 5pm... it's almost like not being able to work at all! And also, what if my grades start to drop because I'm not able to concentrate on school anymore? I mean, even now when I'm not working I still don't do my homework, but what if I all of a sudden get so much homework at school that I actually have to start doing it I don't have any time to sleep or anything?

People manage it everyday, I understand that... but I'm not a very organized person. I can't handle stress. I freak out, but not in a noticeable way... I slowly explode. And how will other people handle that, when they have to depend on me to get something done??

I can't hardly explain what I'm feeling right now, what emotions are running through me, the fear that I have of going to work.

I didn't want that car to start out with... heck, I didn't even want my license. But my parents pushed me to get it, and they bought me a car... I didn't ask for it, they just gave it to me. And now they're taking it away because they can't pay for it, and they expect for me to view that as fair?! HA! I don't think so. It really isn't.

My car is kinda special to me now... it's a piece of crap, it has problems reachig speeds of 30MPH sometimes... but to me, it shows me a piece of freedom. It shows me what I could have, and what I want... just to be away from everything. I can use that to get away from everything! But if they take it away... I can't. I don't have many things right now. I don't have money, I don't have friends, I'm not smart, or beautiful... all that other stuff. But you know... I have a car. And if I ever feel like it, I can drive to a park and watch the sunset. And thats my freedom. And thats what I want. And it's like they're taking a piece of my heart by taking away my car... it's leaving me with nothing.

I sound so stupid... I do in most of my entries. But this is my diary. This is where I let it out. I learned my lesson, by writing happy things. That other entry, b honor thing and michael... that sounded so happy. I remember that feeling! But it turned to bad so quickly. The next couple of days, which included yesterday, just felt so horrible. I just felt so depressed.

I'm slowly letting my parents know that I've felt depressed lately. I think I'm doing that because of my shrink, Bobbi. She's making me realize that this little thing that I do, hiding inside myself and not letting others see what I'm feeling... she's making me see that it's really not healthy. That I need to tell people what I'm feeling and not just keep it inside and only tell my diary.

I just wish I was happier, that I didn't have a stupid mental disease that made me sad so much of the time. Because life is too damn short to be spent worrying about things and being sad. I need to take everything in and enjoy it. Enjoy every sunset I can, and every sunrise if I'm able to get up and see it.. haha. Because one day, I won't be able to see those anymore, and I don't have a clue when that day is!

Wow, this entry took a different direction. Time for me to stop! haha... I'll write again soon...

List of places I want to work (striked are places I have applied too)

Hy-Vee

Cash-wise

Target

Walmart

J&J's Ice Cream