I turn 25 today. I seem to always post on my birthday... well, with the exception of the years I didn't write. But we'll ignore that for now, shall we?

I was hoping to have a huge bash for my birthday, get together with lots of people and do wild and crazy things. Everyone ditched me except for one friend. On my birthday! I feel this is par for course, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

We ate at a mexican restaurant that has an excellent birthday tradition, but I didn't even tell them it was my birthday because I was depressed. It just wouldn't have been the same to have a sombrero thrown on my head and ice cream shoved in my face when I was with only one other person. At least we were able to talk, and I was able to eat. We went bowling afterwards.

The loneliness consumes me like fire! It simply burns me from the inside out, and you can see the pain in my eyes. It is not comfortable.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I texted Ian after not doing so for a long time. Asked him if he wanted to have some fun... it is my birthday and I need something good. He came up with an excuse, as usual. Because he prefers to be the instigator. And though I know that this is a control issue with him, I still feel like shit. Because that combined with my lack of friends makes me feel like the most fucked up person in the world. What is so wrong with me that no one is willing to spend even fifteen minutes with me?

The fear sticks around that I will be alone forever. My family will die off, and where will I be? Who will I be with? I will have no one. I don't deserve that, no one deserves that! I have so much to give and so much to offer to others and I have no outlet for that.

My feelings of self-hatred haven't been this strong since junior high. I know that people are less apt to approach me when I have lost the spark in my eyes and the smile is no longer on my face... but I have grown tired. I am exhausted. I get no where, and I try so hard. So what is the point, really? What is the god damn point?

I want to lock myself in a padded room and just be. Cease trying to exist and trying to make something of myself, because I am simply carrion in a carnivorous world.